Black notes 1

I've been in and out of depression since 5th standard, age 10, when I got less than 35% in Hindi;
my father who I think he needed Lot of psychiatric therapy was a very angry person. and my mother, they shouted and berated, said that I'll never amount to anything in life if I can't pass, Hindi.

Also I've been teased a lot about being fat. One of my earliest instances is of my cousin pointing out how fat i was and likening me to a fat older person and in fourth standard. I remember trying to do a good deed, to lean into the swimming pool at the end of class and pick up a ball, that the PT Master had dropped in, and he called me a baby elephant. That name stuck for the whole year. It was right in the beginning of the year. Used to make me very sad :(. And remember thinking but you have a big paunch too (about the PT teacher).

I was the second heaviest kid in fourth standard. think heaviest for my height. Kids could care less and i have teased others for being silly too. Also had a bad time with a cousin who was a bully. We used to call him 'bhaiya' but he was a big time tease, about weight, about other 'fuck ups' as in mistakes ... we were good friends till 2004 when property disputes between my mother and her brothers.

I lost a lot of weight after that was eighteen, nineteen, with a little helper from bulimia, which I recently learned about a month back, does not help you lose weight all the time because you don't always purge everything out. By badge, I mean, that since I heard about Volemia. from my mother who told it to me after a party, where she heard about it from a doctor, But the strange thing that some people are doing I said that sounds like a nifty trick to not put on weight. I still enjoy food. and overeating. Of course, it didn't work, and I'll recently learn why it doesn't work that not able to purge out all the food. used to first use my finger Then when I read about that mark on your finger from your deep. And after a few months, became more and more difficult to make myself a moment, which is one thing I started using a toothbrush. then after they start using a toothbrush and toothpaste so that I can clean my mouth and SG was a little bit toothpaste later as well for the smell. I used our red think it makes Meade a little less acidic, not sure. because I read online that toothbrush makes your teeth a headache and So not good to use it after you make yourself warm it because already the asset from your buy comes up So I've been accused of overthinking since I young, I've been teased a lot about being overweight, not being attentive changing topics too soon So I'll be talking to my old school friend, some time was something, and then I think we've spoken about that enough, and I changed topics. And then I can I change topics? And they're like, will just topic talking about, you know, topic one, and then you go to topic three. I've had problems with my job since their two thousand where they told me I was a good programmer, but not able to focus. That is to spend too much time on ICQ. that was the chat system to the middle of those layers. later came yahoo messenger and then Facebook and then Instagram and all that. Now I waste time on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, credit I do learn a few things on all these websites. I articles, but I spend way too much time YouTube as well. I like to watch a few scientific channels, like, Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell
, which talks about stars, but the energy that you can get from them about how life started, about how I just started, but I don't also watch a lot of other crap from Regular. documentaries to sports to Beautiful women to cute cats, all kind of a bullshit. And it's gotten very serious because two thousand seventeen according to a problem, but my aunt who who's flat I was staying in. Well, It's start before that that my father ran out of money in two thousand eleven when my mom went to the hospital for the third time. approved, like, for thirty odd days, so the bill was huge. we had two lakhs insurance, and that only covered seventy percent of the expenses,